Got Out of My Sinkhole

A few days ago I found myself in a mood...again. The word 'sinkhole' came to mind as I was thinking of how to express the feeling. I felt as though I was stuck in a hole.

A big, muddy, dreary hole.

Utilizing the skills I learned, rather than resisting the feeling I was having, I simply accepted that I wasn't feeling like myself and got curious from where this mood erupted. I told my husband it felt like an 'undercurrent' of something that wasn't sitting right with me. In the morning I journaled and then after work, I played a little pickle ball (only a little because it was too hot and humid), and celebrated the 4-year anniversary of our new home (after being without a permanent address for 7 months). During the day I focused on gratitude and had good interactions but still...sinkhole.

This morning I went for my usual walk on the greenway before getting to work. Thursdays are my 'sacred space' when I don't walk and talk with anyone and instead spend time with Mother Nature by myself and/or sometimes spend time listening to self-help videos to lift my spirit. It was a cloudy morning with drips of sun periodically streaming through the trees, along with the raindrops from last night's storm.

The video I chose to listen to discussed the concept of freedom. I do love the word 'freedom'. Some of the concepts I jotted down from the video were...

Freedom is a choice that you make right now.

Oh and I LOVE this one...

Freedom is having nothing to prove to yourself or anyone else.

Another one I LOVE...

Freedom is having nothing to chase.

This one hit home in particular as I've been chasing comfortable ways of how to share the recent self-help products I created.

Then she asked the question...

"What do you most want for the people you love?"

This was easy for me to answer, I immediately wrote down...health, loving and supportive connections, fulfillment in life, inner peace and joy, self-love, self-reverence, self-compassion and lastly, deep connection with-and reverence for-Mother Nature.

Then she said, "The greatest gift you can give to anyone is your own happiness and freedom."

I thought about this.

I thought about how joyful I do feel when my children are happy, when my husband, my family and friends are happy. (Ok fine, I'll be honest, sometimes I feel a little jealous of people who have the freedom to travel A LOT to interesting places with their family and friends.)

That aside, I contemplated what freedom looks like for me.

Honestly, it's the freedom to express my true self and my true feelings.

The freedom to be honest about feeling self-doubt. The freedom to express my feelings of joy, confidence, overwhelm, frustration. Or when I feel less-than, unattractive, old, jealous, fat. And the freedom to feel and be abundant, healthy, pretty, creative, it's all me...Mary.

Mary, which like a river, flows, bends, rises and falls just like my moods and emotions.

And...I am free to be me.

I am free to feel my feelings.

AND...I am free to accept my feelings—whatever they are.

I allowed this wisdom to permeate my being.

I truly am free to be me.

It is only me who holds myself back.

So as I write this blog post, I am doing so to show you, the reader, that we're all human and we all have feelings.

Whatever the feelings...accept them, be curious, forgive if you need to, and be kind to yourself.

Certainly, like the weather...the feelings—no matter what—always flow away into another weather pattern, and another, and another.

Through all this self-reflection, I discovered there is a part of myself who felt overwhelmed and sad about some personal things.

It's a 'part' of me. The rest is ok.

So, as I share the ways of how I process life and help myself, I hope this helps you to help...yourself.

Because we are all being human together.